Oh noes! Our wedding party is “lopsided!”

The wedding is still a pretty long time from now. But, because our close friends are scattered around the world, my groom-to-be and I have started asking our best friends if they’d like to be in our wedding party, so they have a good long heads-up.

And now people freaking out again. There are more boys than girls. I repeat: More. Boys. Than. Girls.

As I mentioned before, we’ve already made some waves because my fiance is having a groomswoman. Now, not only do we have a vagina on the penis side, but our wedding party is uneven. I have five bridesmaids. My groom has 10 groomspeople. Did you hear any loud gasps over Thanksgiving weekend? That was my mom and my aunties literally-can’t-even-ing.

My bridesmaids could give a fuck. One of them said, “So that means I get a man on each arm right? Give me hotties.”

So what’s everyone else saying?

“Maybe he could make a few of them ushers instead …”

“So are you going to ask some of your female cousins to be on your side, so you can balance it out?”

“Make him get rid of some!”

My fiance is a well-loved person. I’m not surprised he’s got twice as many attendants as I do, because twice as many people like him.

But all people care about is how things look. A few years back, a friend of mine was KICKED OUT of a wedding party because one of the groomsmen dropped out. And nobody called the bride’s crazy ass on it, because symmetry. So apparently, it’s totally OK to treat human beings like decorative shrubbery and prune them to your liking. And completely normal to suggest I scrounge for warm bodies to use as placeholders on my side of the altar. But forming a wedding party based on our dearest friendships? WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING? AND WHAT OF THE PICTURES? THE PRECIOUS PICTURES? My grandchildren, and their children, and their children will gaze upon my wedding photos, faint and choke on their own vomit when they see our wedding party in its hideous asymmetry.

Really though, if anyone has a problem with our “lopsided” wedding party, then their priorities are lopsided. And, honestly, I don’t think this is going to look that bad! Our friends are gorgeous, wonderful people who will surround us with LOVE on our wedding day.

Shocked that my loved ones should care so much, I typed “uneven bridal party” into Google and got sucked into the absolute mind-fuck that is wedding websites. For the most part, uneven wedding parties are trendy and Pinteresty.  I dare you to look at Glamour Wedding Blogger Kim Fusaro’s pictures of her own “lopsided” wedding and tell me they look bad. However, there’s still a lot of fretting about it. And a lot of obsessing about how people can be arranged or even demoted.

Tell me: Did you have an uneven wedding party? Did your guests’ heads immediately explode when they counted the sides and found them uneven? Did the resulting splattering brains and shards of skull RUIN THE WEDDING PICTURES?


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