Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope you’re not getting married this weekend, because if you are, you’re basically a living cliche/horrible person for making this sacred holiday all about YOU!
Over on I Thee Dread, there’s a poll about whether it’s OK to get engaged or married on Valentine’s Day. And if you’re wondering which day to schedule your wedding to make sure EVERYONE HATES YOU, just read the comments. We’ve already covered the fact that getting engaged on a holiday is pretty much the worst thing you can do, and all the cool kids are proposing on random Tuesdays, you basic bitch. But apparently, holidays are off limits for the actual wedding as well. And not just, like, the obvious holidays like Christmas. But any holiday that creates a three-day weekend (and the following weekend) because GAWD people take VACATIONS then, so you’re basically destroying their lives by getting married on the Saturday before Columbus Day.
My understanding was that, if you get an invitation to a wedding that you can’t (or don’t want to) attend, you reply with your regrets and sincere congratulations — and then go to your lakehouse or wherever the fuck you were planning to be on Memorial Day weekend. I’ve sure as shit done that. But, as I’ve learned, every decision I make is taken deeply personally by everyone who is not actually planning my wedding.
So, I’ve compiled all the dates the ITD commenters and people in my own life have told me are off limits for my wedding:
- Major holidays and their surrounding weekends: You can’t get married on New Year’s Eve. Or Easter weekend. Or Christmas. Definitely not July 4th weekend. Ideally, you would black out all surrounding weekends, too, so that people who are traveling far to see their dear families don’t then immediately have to travel again for your stupid, dumb, selfish wedding. Generally, people bitch only about western/Christian holidays, and getting married on major Jewish, Hindu and Muslim holidays is considered totes fine.
- Minor/cultural holidays: Getting married on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day weekend? Do you even have a heart? Someone had to travel to the Midwest to snear at your decor and wedding food, while his mom sat home alone and cried.
- “Wait-is-that-a-holiday?” holidays: These are the ones you don’t realize are holidays until your office manager sends around an email reminding you that the office will be closed on Monday for President’s Day or Columbus Day. But if you float the idea of scheduling your wedding on one of these weekends, be prepared to hear from your loved ones that they have LIMITED vacation time and were going to use that extra day off to take that trip they’ve been meaning to take and were dreaming about until YOU (YOU!) decided that would be a *perfect* day for your goddamn wedding.
- Cliche days: Valentine’s Day, basically. Is Feb. 14 just another day to you? Silly! It’s a national day of mockery, when the more enlightened people make fun anyone who gets engaged or married on it.
- Milestone days: Graduation weekend for high school and University are off limits, because cousin so-and-so’s girl is graduating this year.
- Spring break: It’s in March for college students. And in April for all the elementary and high school kids. Which week it is varies by school district, so you might as well block off pretty much both months so that you don’t have to listen to Aunt bitch-a-lot whine that she can’t take her kids to the beach house this year.
- Weekends of major sporting events: Do you honestly want people to cancel their sports-viewing plans to watch you pledge to spend the rest of your life with someone? OK fine then, but don’t be surprised when everyone is checking the score on their phones and sneaking out to the bar with the nearest TV. And I hope you don’t think that having your wedding on the Friday or Saturday before the Superbowl is OK — because your cousin’s Superbowl parties are *kind of a big deal*, and he doesn’t want to get up early on Sunday to drive back home in time.
- Local events: Scheduling a wedding on a deer-hunting season weekend is pretty much like shooting Bambi’s mom, apparently. I personally scheduled my own wedding on a weekend smack in the middle of the dead zone between July 4th and Labor Day only to be lectured by relatives that DUH this was opening weekend of State Fair WHEN THEY RACE THE PIGS! What an oversight.
Need a visual of when NOT to have your wedding? Here’s a handy calendar of all the black-out dates listed above. Only 31 weekends are off limits! This calendar includes local celebrations unique to my locale, and I’m sure other areas of the country will have different dates that will enrage your own loved ones. WARNING: Picking one of the “safe” weekends is no guarantee that nobody will be pissed at you. Inevitably, someone’s golden birthday or anniversary is that weekend, and your wedding WILL RUIN IT.