If you’re going to be an ass, just don’t go

Did you hear about the beauty blogger “Bun Bun” who live-snarked a friend’s wedding? I think that was clearly a dick move, but others may find it cathartic. After all, how many times have you been bored out of your mind at a long ceremony, rolled your eyes at the drunk maid of honor’s toast, or smooshed dry chicken around your plate with your fork and looked up the closest McDonald’s on your phone?

Here’s the thing though — if any of that stuff really bothers you enough to rant about it on the Internet, you really should just probably stay the fuck home. And the cool thing is, it is totally allowed. You know that little card that often comes with the invitation? It has a spot where you can check “Declines with regret” or similar. This box is your get-out-of-jail-free card, guys. If you check “Will attend with pleasure,” though, remember the unwritten part: “Will attend with pleasure and NOT talk shit on my blog or social media.”

Other reasons guests should stay the fuck  home include:

  • You’re going to be bitter about how much it costs to get there: When I was a poor grad student, I RSVP’d “No” to a lot of weddings that required flights because I didn’t want to choose between attending a wedding and feeding myself. You can do the same — grown people make decisions based on budget all the time. I attended one close friend’s wedding while in school, and the flight was expensive. But I care about her so much, I’d have paid five times more. That’s how I knew it was a wedding I *should* attend.
  • You’re going to bitch about the food: Guess what? When a catering company has to prepare and serve 200+ entrees more or less at once, those entrees may not be the best meal you’ve ever had. If that bothers you enough to Tweet a snarky review or complain out loud, just decline the wedding invitation and go to your favorite restaurant.
  • You’re going to make fun of the bride’s groom’s appearance: Years ago at a wedding, I sat next to an idiot who whispered to me that the bride was “busting out of her dress.” When you’re watching “Say Yes to the Dress,” you can say whatever you want to the TV. At a real wedding, though, keep your ugly thoughts to yourself.
  • You’re going to remark on how much money was/wasn’t spent: My future mother-in-law is very concerned that my choice of centerpieces will look cheap to our guests. Guess what? They ARE cheap. Glassware from Goodwill and candles, baby! I hope anyone who would be offended by that will just stay home.

“Oh, but Crabby Bride,” you may say. “Sometimes I can’t just stay home. Family can guilt you into going! Even though I’m not in the wedding party, I am being practically forced to attend my cousin’s dumb wedding.”

Trust me, I have attended more than a few obligation weddings in my time. I made peace with my reasoning (pleasing family), and managed not to blame it on the poor couple.  I smiled and danced and left a little early and somehow managed not to write a single nasty Tweet. Because here’s the thing: You have to put up with the wedding for an evening. That couple standing at the altar? They had to deal with a year or so of wedding planning and all the bullshit that comes with it.

In closing, your options are as follows:

-If you cannot restrain yourself from being a judgmental ass, stay home. I won’t try to stop you.

-If you choose to go for whatever reason, don’t be a judgmental ass … until you  have left the premises (and never on the Internet). After the wedding is over, I’ll be in the hot tub, and I could care less about what you say if I don’t have to hear it.

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