At least I’m not ‘That Bride’

At one of the venues I toured last year, while looking for a place to combine all our loved ones and copious amounts of alcohol, a venue-owner asked me: “What kind of bride are you?”

I didn’t know how to answer.  I just said, “Uhhhhmmmm…” and the vendor laughed and said, “OK I think that tells me what kind of bride you are.”

But I’ll tell you what kind of bride I am NOT. I’m not ‘That Bride.’ Now, I may be “Evil Jesus-Killing Bride” if you asked my mom or my fiance’s mom, but there are some really bananas brides and grooms out there. And, every time I encounter one (or hear a story about one), I feel a little proud that, as crazy as this wedding has made me, it hasn’t made me as crazy as these people:

That Bride and groom # 1: Dance monkey, dance

I have a friend who is standing up in a wedding. The wedding isn’t til the end of May, but it’s already a weekly time commitment for the attendants — because the entire bridal party is doing a very complicated 15-minute choreographed dance number to a medley of the bride and groom’s favorite songs! With props and costume changes! Nobody was told about this until after they’d agreed to be in the wedding party.

The bride and groom, you see, are theater kids. Their attendants are not, but who cares? My friend had surgery a couple weeks ago, and the bride is freaking out that she won’t be healed enough to do the dance. What the bride isn’t freaking out about: That my friend is injured enough to require surgery and is still expected to learn choreography to “La Vie Boheme.”

That Bride #2: Buy me shit

A Facebook friend of mine has been posting tons of statuses about her small wedding, along with reminders that she “can’t invite everyone, sorry!” While that’s annoying, she crossed in to ‘That Bride’ territory when she posted a link to her wedding registry ON FACEBOOK.

That Bride #3: Clear your schedule

One of my co-bridesmaids at a recent wedding told me about a nightmare of a bride she’d served as bridesmaid for. She mentioned to the bride she was taking a two-week trip abroad several weeks before the wedding. “I’m honestly hurt that you’d leave the country not even a month before my wedding,” the bride said. “I’m going to need so much help, and  you won’t be there.”

Bitch, you do not get a wedding month.

That groom #4: Thanks for coming, now clean up

I had to listen for months as a friend of my fiance’s told us all about how he and the bride were trying to make sure the monetary value of the gifts they expected to get was higher than the amount they spent on the wedding.

I’m all for thriftiness and sticking to your budget, but do that math in your head, guys.

Anyway, the wedding was a gorgeous barnyard affair with lots of twinkle lights and hand-made ornaments dangling from trees. At the end of the night, the groom’s brother got on stage and thanked everyone for coming.

“OK guys, I know we all enjoyed ourselves tonight. Bride and Groom put in a lot of work to feed everyone and make sure it was a fun night for everybody. To show our gratitude, I think we should put in a little hard work. The venue is going to charge the bride and groom if we aren’t cleaned up by midnight. So, let’s get to working.”

This was more than tossing the centerpieces in the trash. We were expected to haul the long wooden tables out of the barn, through the surrounding park, and into waiting trucks. It took two hours. I’ve volunteered to gather up favors and decorations after a few weddings in my time, but shaming all your guests into acting as a clean-up crew (to avoid hiring one) is not cool.

Have you ever encountered any crazy brides or grooms who make you feel better about your own crazy ass?






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