Our wedding is SO not ‘us’

This couple threw an absolutely stunning Harry Potter-themed wedding. This couple threw a Star Wars-themed wedding that I wish I was invited to.

Throughout my long engagement, I’ve been asked what the theme of my wedding is. One friend even asked me if it’s going to be a “customized” wedding.

Truth be told, there is nothing “custom” about this wedding.

I wish I had the energy to craft an unforgettably unique experience for our guests, but I don’t.

I sat down and talked with our day-of coordinator (who is AMAZING, by the way) about “our day” the other day, and our conversation consisted of her asking questions that started with, “Are you doing/having” and me answering, “Ummmmm no?” For example: “Are you displaying any old family photos and baby pictures of you and the groom on the guest-book table?” “Ummmm…no?” “Are you making any signs to be placed at the venue that direct guests to the ceremony location?” “Ummmm …no?”

Beyond feeding everyone well, keeping the alcohol flowing, and having enough chairs for everyone, I’m not devoting time and attention to much else. We’re talking the BARE minimum to make this party wedding-like enough to appease our moms.

Anyway, here’s a comprehensive list of shit we ain’t customizing:

We ain’t choreographing shit

Latin dancing is a long-time hobby of mine and my fiance’s. Several people have asked us if we’re going to do a “performance” for our first dance or do any group choreography with our wedding party.

We will not.

This isn’t a fucking dance recital. The last thing I need after making it through the ceremony and hours of photos is to perform. I plan to down a bunch of wine, throw on some sneakers under my dress, and sway to a slow song with my fiance for our first dance.

We ain’t crafting shit

Fuck Pinterest.

OK, that’s a bit harsh, but I’m getting sick of people suggesting I create a Pinterest Board to assemble my wedding “vision.” I admire crafty people who can look at some origami flowers someone Pinned or some snazzy wedding favors and then make something that looks like the picture. But I am not that type of person.

To prevent our wedding from being one giant Pinterest fail, I will be crafting neither favors, nor decor. My fiance started telling me an idea he had for some custom table-number cards. I responded, “OK, but I’m not making that shit. You can. And if you don’t do it by 60 days before the wedding, I’m ordering plain-ass table cards online.”

My gifts to my bridesmaids are going to be hand-made, but not by MY hands — that’s what Etsy is for!

We ain’t writing or memorizing shit

We are not writing our own vows. That’s public speaking, which I don’t do. I told our officiant, “I don’t want to even repeat after you. I want to respond ‘Yes’ and ‘No.’ Preferably, I’d just nod my head and not speak at all.”

We ain’t slide-showing shit

Our DJ (who happens to be a friend of mine) asked us if we needed projection screens for our slideshow.

My response: Hahahahahahaha. Ha. Fuck no.

I have no desire to find pictures of me as a baby/child,  match it to a song that represents me, find pictures of my fiance as a baby/child, match them to a song that represents him, find pictures of us, and match them to a song that represents “us.”

That’s a lot of work. And if anyone on our guest list even notices there wasn’t a slideshow and is sad about that, they can go drown their sorrows at our open fucking bar.

We ain’t paying extra for shit that can’t be drunk or eaten

Our venue charges $100 for projection-screen rentals. We’re not paying it — see above. Our caterer has all kinds of “deluxe” colors for linens to match our color scheme. I’m like, “So white napkins are free? OK cool. Our color scheme is white, then.”



The assumption with weddings is that it’s a form of self expression — a way to show your loved ones who you “really” are as a couple. So, in a way, our wedding is TOTALLY US — because we just like to eat and drink and don’t give a shit about napkin color.





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